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Jokes
Sept 6, 2009 17:30:44 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Sept 6, 2009 17:30:44 GMT 10
EW!
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Jokes
Sept 7, 2009 10:04:24 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Sept 7, 2009 10:04:24 GMT 10
Subject: Titanic VS Clinton... Titanic vs. Clinton (some amazing similarities)
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Sept 7, 2009 10:26:34 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Sept 7, 2009 10:26:34 GMT 10
Subject: Gloves A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves for her birthday. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note said: Dear Charlotte, Hope you like your birthday gift. The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me tonight. Love, Peter PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing. OMG OMG OMG thats a pisser
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Jokes
Sept 8, 2009 21:18:51 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Sept 8, 2009 21:18:51 GMT 10
For 2 years an American man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go back to Italy to have the child secretly. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child-support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said, 'Just give it to me, and I'll explain it later.'
She did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2009 19:42:45 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Sept 15, 2009 19:42:45 GMT 10
Subject: Playing With Fire (messing with blondes)
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five important things: one, the bartender is a blonde woman. Second, the bouncer is a blonde woman. Third, I'm a six feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Forth, the woman sitting next to you is also a blonde woman and is a professional weightlifter. Fifth, the lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2009 19:48:22 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Sept 23, 2009 19:48:22 GMT 10
Subject: Coincidenceþ
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2009 8:46:37 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Sept 26, 2009 8:46:37 GMT 10
Subject: FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVENþ
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself... However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, Vit is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions..
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy.. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer... How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be
twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.. '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy..'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said 'Run Forrest Run'!!
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2009 21:29:45 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Sept 30, 2009 21:29:45 GMT 10
LOL! Good one!
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Jokes
Oct 1, 2009 11:38:42 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Oct 1, 2009 11:38:42 GMT 10
A man was sunbathing naked on a beach, he saw a little girl comming so he covered his privates. He told the girl that he was hiding a bird. She left and he fell asleep.
Later he woke up in pain in hospital., he didn't know what happened. The little girl came to visit him, she told him that when he was asleep she played with the bird but it spat on her so she broke its neck, burnt the nest and crushed the eggs.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2009 12:10:43 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Oct 13, 2009 12:10:43 GMT 10
wooooowwww that ones a shocker!
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2009 12:13:12 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Oct 13, 2009 12:13:12 GMT 10
Subject: Q-tip...
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that: *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.*
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
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Jokes
Oct 14, 2009 7:22:57 GMT 10
Post by Missing my friends already. :( on Oct 14, 2009 7:22:57 GMT 10
lol. nice.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Oct 15, 2009 9:34:57 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Oct 15, 2009 9:34:57 GMT 10
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A: a lick-a-lotta-pus I'm offended now! XD
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Jokes
Oct 15, 2009 12:30:19 GMT 10
Post by Missing my friends already. :( on Oct 15, 2009 12:30:19 GMT 10
I feel for you...okay so I don't. Just trying to make you feel better.
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Jokes
Oct 16, 2009 7:16:30 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Oct 16, 2009 7:16:30 GMT 10
Subject: Florida
New Slogans for Florida:
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote. FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311? FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts. FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us. FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
And ... PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice. PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the "duh" in Florida.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Oct 23, 2009 7:33:40 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Oct 23, 2009 7:33:40 GMT 10
I feel for you...okay so I don't. Just trying to make you feel better. XP
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Jokes
Nov 13, 2009 6:20:05 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Nov 13, 2009 6:20:05 GMT 10
I feel for you...okay so I don't. Just trying to make you feel better. XP i'm sorry. It was a text message on Live at the Apollo. I couldn't have thought of anything funnier from that night...except... "Have you ever tried that game where you try and slip in swear words in front of your nan? Anyone for coffee? Anyone FOR COFFee? Half a cup, HalF A CUP is it?" "where's the fork and knife? There's no FORK'N knife nan." and she replied with "i don't know, use the FORK'N chopsticks you patronizing little s****"
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Jokes
Nov 13, 2009 7:36:10 GMT 10
Post by Missing my friends already. :( on Nov 13, 2009 7:36:10 GMT 10
LOL. Nice.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2009 7:37:43 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Nov 17, 2009 7:37:43 GMT 10
I agree. We should play that game sometime.
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2009 19:52:48 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Nov 17, 2009 19:52:48 GMT 10
Or, what about predictive text? Nobody uses it (editor: i do), why do we need it? We don't have predictive talking, or else it'd be like: "so where'd you go?" "I wanked-I WENT Top-TO the sharon-THE S****-THE SHOPS. I WENT TO THE SHOPS" i reckon that's what tourette's Syndrome is: predictive talking you can't turn off
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Nov 19, 2009 7:33:10 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Nov 19, 2009 7:33:10 GMT 10
*gives u a funny look* i dont get that one....
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Jokes
Nov 19, 2009 8:40:37 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Nov 19, 2009 8:40:37 GMT 10
...you never will then
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Nov 20, 2009 9:35:21 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Nov 20, 2009 9:35:21 GMT 10
*pouts* fine then, be like that! *laughs*
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Jokes
Nov 24, 2009 7:34:17 GMT 10
Post by Missing my friends already. :( on Nov 24, 2009 7:34:17 GMT 10
You two need to take a chill pill. You just continue typing and then hit space. I used to have it.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Nov 24, 2009 7:37:50 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Nov 24, 2009 7:37:50 GMT 10
Oh...i get it now. lol ;D
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2009 10:14:07 GMT 10
Post by Missing my friends already. :( on Nov 27, 2009 10:14:07 GMT 10
gee Kels. Talk about SLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love yas
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Jokes
Dec 2, 2009 8:08:24 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Dec 2, 2009 8:08:24 GMT 10
Subject: Russian Roulette
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."
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Jokes
Dec 2, 2009 16:09:04 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Dec 2, 2009 16:09:04 GMT 10
I know that's disturbing, but at least he's gonna die with a smile on his face...
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Jokes
Dec 17, 2009 16:03:15 GMT 10
Post by Missing my friends already. :( on Dec 17, 2009 16:03:15 GMT 10
LOL
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Mar 4, 2010 9:13:03 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Mar 4, 2010 9:13:03 GMT 10
gee Kels. Talk about SLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love yas love u too Tim Tam
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