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Jokes
Jun 19, 2009 14:55:25 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jun 19, 2009 14:55:25 GMT 10
Subject: Random rants
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday... lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
- The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
- Have you ever noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
- According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women is their eyes and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us can take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Have you ever noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut saves you twenty pence?
- In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now thw world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Poitics are supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- There is a theory which states; if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by somthing even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states; this has already happened.
- I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2009 17:44:20 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jun 19, 2009 17:44:20 GMT 10
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Jokes
Jun 25, 2009 18:00:41 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jun 25, 2009 18:00:41 GMT 10
Subject: Har Har... I love this one...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. The husband nicely offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked even more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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Jokes
Jun 25, 2009 18:29:29 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jun 25, 2009 18:29:29 GMT 10
I think i either saw that, or it's been posted
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Jokes
Jun 25, 2009 18:31:51 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jun 25, 2009 18:31:51 GMT 10
The most scottish thing i ever saw was i was going through this town at night. I saw some guy leaning over a front door, relieving himself of his bodily fluids. He then took out his keys and went inside!
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Jokes
Jun 25, 2009 18:40:57 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jun 25, 2009 18:40:57 GMT 10
A illinois man left the snow filled streets of Chicago and went to Miami. His wife was in Vancouver on a business trip and was planning on flying in the next day.
After the man checked in, he wanted to send his wife an email to tell her it's all good. He unpacked all his bags to find he'd lost the slip of paper with his wife's email, so he tried his best to type it from memory.
He sent off the email, but made a typo. The email instead ended up in the inbox of an elderly preacher who's husband died the day before. The widow looked at the email, let out a scream before fainting unconscious. Her family rushed in to make sense of what happened, and read the note on screen:
"DEAREST WIFE,
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING'S PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR HUSBAND. P.S: SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE"
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Jokes
Jul 2, 2009 12:03:26 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jul 2, 2009 12:03:26 GMT 10
LOL!
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jul 9, 2009 13:40:21 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jul 9, 2009 13:40:21 GMT 10
Thats a good one, I think you've told me that one before.
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Jokes
Jul 9, 2009 16:53:33 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jul 9, 2009 16:53:33 GMT 10
I heard this one on GNW. I just have to post it:
What do you do if an irish person throws a pin at you? Run, he's got a grenade in his mouth
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2009 9:51:45 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jul 12, 2009 9:51:45 GMT 10
LOL! Thats funny!
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2009 13:05:00 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jul 13, 2009 13:05:00 GMT 10
Don't be mean to Irish people! ;p LOL Becky stole that joke this morning
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2009 13:35:55 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jul 13, 2009 13:35:55 GMT 10
Subject: Twenty ways to tell that you're a redneck
... Top 20 ways that You Know You're a Redneck: 20) You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment. 19) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 18) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. 17) You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. 16) Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people. 15) You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. 14) You have a rag for a gas cap. 13) You have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car should be. 12) You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill. 11) Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card. 10) You have any relatives named Elmer or Jed. 9) Your family tree has no branches. 8) Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. 7) You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. 6) You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. 5) You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. 4) Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road." 3) Your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her @$$. 2) Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
And the number 1 way that You Know You're a Redneck is: 1) Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2009 16:24:56 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jul 14, 2009 16:24:56 GMT 10
... interesting...
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2009 18:46:10 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jul 14, 2009 18:46:10 GMT 10
You would also chase after 3 Britains and their camera crew from a gas station
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2009 18:51:02 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jul 14, 2009 18:51:02 GMT 10
Is the Human Race doomed through stupidity? ------------------------------------------- Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are; 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END. 9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. 12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. 14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. 15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. 16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. 17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. 18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. 19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. 20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. 21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. 22. On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST. 23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD. 24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. 26. On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2009 19:48:03 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jul 14, 2009 19:48:03 GMT 10
I found on a lighter: MAY BE HOT WHILE IN USE.
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Jokes
Jul 20, 2009 19:59:44 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jul 20, 2009 19:59:44 GMT 10
Subject: Why planning is important
One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...
The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks.......
Q.1. Which tyre?
a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jul 21, 2009 8:41:21 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jul 21, 2009 8:41:21 GMT 10
You've posted that one already
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Jokes
Jul 21, 2009 10:34:40 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jul 21, 2009 10:34:40 GMT 10
I dont remember!
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Jokes
Jul 22, 2009 8:41:01 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jul 22, 2009 8:41:01 GMT 10
Subject: A concerned blonde
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. > > She was awake, so he examined her. > "You'll be fine," he said. > > She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal > > sex life again doctor?" > > The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. > > "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" > > He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked > > me that after having their tonsils out."
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Jokes
Jul 23, 2009 8:26:14 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jul 23, 2009 8:26:14 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
Jul 24, 2009 13:02:49 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jul 24, 2009 13:02:49 GMT 10
Subject: Stud Rooster
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you," The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start? The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you," They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He shakes his head gloomily and says
"Son of a b!tch...third gay rooster I bought this week!"
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Jokes
Jul 27, 2009 13:17:22 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jul 27, 2009 13:17:22 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
Jul 29, 2009 8:13:54 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jul 29, 2009 8:13:54 GMT 10
Subject: George W Bush Discount
Looking for savings this holiday season? When you're out shopping, take advantage of the George W. Bush discount. You will need unmitigated gall and several accomplices. Here's how it works.
Load up with all sorts of items that you want and take them to the checkout. When the clerk gets to an item that will not scan on the first attempt say, petulantly,
"My brother says that all these items are mine."
The clerk will insist on rescanning the item. Look bored and incredulous that anybody could be so incompetent as the clerk tries unsuccessfully to scan the item. Turn to the people in line behind you and say,
"Can you believe this is taking so long?"
At this point, the clerk will attempt to enter the bar code information by hand. Insist loudly that the item is yours and that since it didn't scan after two attempts, it must be free. Get so worked up that your face starts to break out. The clerk will still attempt to enter the bar code. At this point, bring forward your first accomplice who will introduce herself as the Secretary of Bar Code Scanning and say to the clerk,
"I'll give you two seconds to enter that bar code. Ready... Set... Times up!"
The clerk will probably call for the manager, and the two of them will insist on manually entering the bar code into the cash register. Have dozens of your accomplices run to the media talking about possible mistakes and mischief that could arise from manually entering the bar code. Raise questions such as,
"How can I make sure the price is being entered fairly when the clerk works for the owner?"
Say,
"These items have been scanned and rescanned. They just want to keep entering bar codes until they get the total they want."
At this point, the owner might try to take you to court to get some more time to manually enter the bar code. He's really playing right into your hands. While he's getting a time extension from the court, call the office of Congressman Tom DELAY and ask him to send down a couple of henchmen to lead a crowd of angry demonstrators into the store to shout and bang on the doors. Simultaneously, file an appeal with the Supreme Court asking the highest court in the land to bring a halt to all manual entry of bar codes. In the midst of this confusion, have your first accomplice declare that all the items are legally yours and that if the owner doesn't like it, he can take you to court. The owner will now have to drive to the state capital to file a lawsuit in which he will ask the judge to manually enter the bar code of the item that would not scan. Invite some celebrities over for a photo op and announce that you'll share the items with them once the items are found to be rightfully yours. Meanwhile in court, the owner will ask the judge to transfer the item from the checkout line to the courtroom. Have your lawyer tell the judge that that is simply not enough, that the judge needs to move the entire inventory from the store lock, stock and barrel to his courtroom. When the owner contemplates that this will tie up all his merchandise till well after the holidays, he will surely give up. But just to be safe, have the legislature pass a law giving the entire store to you.
Some people will tell you that you won't enjoy the goodies you've thus obtained because they are not really yours.
Morons!
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Jokes
Aug 14, 2009 20:33:52 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Aug 14, 2009 20:33:52 GMT 10
Subject: The Sensitive Man
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
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Jokes
Aug 14, 2009 20:35:18 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Aug 14, 2009 20:35:18 GMT 10
LOL! I got that email!
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Jokes
Aug 15, 2009 16:25:35 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Aug 15, 2009 16:25:35 GMT 10
Subject: Counter Fitter
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
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Jokes
Aug 16, 2009 12:03:11 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Aug 16, 2009 12:03:11 GMT 10
Q: how do you tell when a blind man is at a nude beach?
A: come on, it's not hard
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Jokes
Aug 17, 2009 21:27:35 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Aug 17, 2009 21:27:35 GMT 10
Subject: Ain't Love Great?
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names 'The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old b!tch what her name is.'
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Jokes
Sept 6, 2009 15:33:30 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Sept 6, 2009 15:33:30 GMT 10
Subject: Gloves
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves for her birthday.
He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note said:
Dear Charlotte, Hope you like your birthday gift. The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me tonight.
Love, Peter
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.
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