Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 10:23:48 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 5, 2009 10:23:48 GMT 10
Not really a game i know, but if anyone has a good joke 2 tell it will add 2 the fun and games
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 10:25:38 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 5, 2009 10:25:38 GMT 10
Yea!
We can all have a laugh!
Oh! Do some Christian ones!!!
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 10:33:58 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 5, 2009 10:33:58 GMT 10
yeah OK, this is my favourite one of his: a guy got on a bus, and saw a hot nun sitting there. he went up to the bus driver and asked him if he knew how he could get with her. the bus driver said: 'she goes to the graveyard every night at midnight. if you go and tell her that you are Jesus Christ and that you command her to have sex with you, she will.' so the guy did what the bus driver said, and went to the graveyard. when he saw the nun, he approached her and said in a loud voice, 'i am Jesus Christ, and i command you to have sex with me.' the nun nodded and said 'yes Lord, but do you mind if we do it up the @$$ so i don't get pregnant?' 'fair enough' the guy said, and they started doing it. when they were done, the guy said to the nun, 'you know, I'm not really Jesus, I'm the guy from the bus. The nun turned around and said, 'oh yeah? well I'm the bus driver!'
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 10:36:34 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 5, 2009 10:36:34 GMT 10
OMG! I was laughing yesterday when u said it!
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 17:11:15 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 5, 2009 17:11:15 GMT 10
heres another good 1:
there are four elements of action in an engine: sucking fuel and air into a chamber, squeezing it to get the best explosion, making the fuel go bang and then blowing the exhaust away. so if u hear smart people discussing 'suck, squeeze, bang and blow' theyre not necessarily being filthy, at least not in a sexual way.
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 17:34:08 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 5, 2009 17:34:08 GMT 10
[Fictional] I once asked a person if they were Jewish, they said yes So I asked "what year is it in the Jewish Calendar?" She said, "umm, I wasn't expecting questions," and left
She approaches me the next day, while i'm talking to friends and says "Yeah, It's the Jewish year, of the rat."
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 18:14:41 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 5, 2009 18:14:41 GMT 10
Huh? I dont get Darrens!
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Jokes
May 5, 2009 19:50:00 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 5, 2009 19:50:00 GMT 10
theres no such thing as the jewish year of the rat. That's the chinese zodiac calendar.
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Jokes
May 6, 2009 6:56:36 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 6, 2009 6:56:36 GMT 10
okay...
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 6, 2009 13:32:23 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 6, 2009 13:32:23 GMT 10
yeah... ummm... weird, but thanks anyway Daz!
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Jokes
May 6, 2009 13:37:20 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 6, 2009 13:37:20 GMT 10
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have revolutionised the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Didn't you invent the woman?"
"Ah, yes," God replied.
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And; 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," God said, "hold on for a minute." God went to his Celsetial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God examined it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 6, 2009 14:50:37 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 6, 2009 14:50:37 GMT 10
oh my god! thats a good one, but really sexist! put the cash machine one on!
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Jokes
May 6, 2009 15:55:58 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 6, 2009 15:55:58 GMT 10
OMG! Lol! But sexist! Like Kelsey mentioned!
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Jokes
May 6, 2009 18:53:03 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 6, 2009 18:53:03 GMT 10
OMG, people are gonna hate me for this one, but....
Male and Female at the Cash Machine:
A new sign in the Bank foyer reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through Cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Pull Handbrake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Handbrake.
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Jokes
May 6, 2009 20:37:16 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 6, 2009 20:37:16 GMT 10
When i read that i was laughing so much i fell off my seat!
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 7, 2009 8:22:47 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 7, 2009 8:22:47 GMT 10
i know, that ones an old favourite. does anyone have Jack Schitt?
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Jokes
May 7, 2009 8:38:37 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 7, 2009 8:38:37 GMT 10
Nope i cant find it in emails!
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 7, 2009 10:01:11 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 7, 2009 10:01:11 GMT 10
i think i lost it, but i'll have a look
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Jokes
May 7, 2009 11:45:17 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 7, 2009 11:45:17 GMT 10
okay!
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Jokes
May 7, 2009 13:20:14 GMT 10
Post by brittanyxx on May 7, 2009 13:20:14 GMT 10
i didn't get the whole rat thing in the jewish calendar But then again i dont get alot of things so yer!!
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Jokes
May 7, 2009 13:25:37 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 7, 2009 13:25:37 GMT 10
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
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Jokes
May 7, 2009 18:00:27 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 7, 2009 18:00:27 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
May 9, 2009 22:52:52 GMT 10
Post by Henna, Hypo, Hippie, Hannah on May 9, 2009 22:52:52 GMT 10
Lmao these are soooooooooo funny!!
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Jokes
May 10, 2009 9:34:21 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 10, 2009 9:34:21 GMT 10
I know
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 13, 2009 11:55:21 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 13, 2009 11:55:21 GMT 10
yay! thanks 4 posting jack schitt Hand of Darkness. i was the one who sent it out when i got it from my cousin but i just lost it.
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Jokes
May 14, 2009 8:32:38 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on May 14, 2009 8:32:38 GMT 10
If Women Ruled the World...
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 15, 2009 13:14:26 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 15, 2009 13:14:26 GMT 10
lol thats a good one rukia!!!
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Jokes
May 17, 2009 11:24:10 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 17, 2009 11:24:10 GMT 10
Yea!
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Jokes
May 18, 2009 18:23:55 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 18, 2009 18:23:55 GMT 10
They say we're being influenced by violent video games, but consider this...
The main game of your parent's childhood was pac man, and imagine being influenced by that? We'd all be walking 'round in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music. Whose to say they don't do these things now?
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May 18, 2009 18:29:12 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 18, 2009 18:29:12 GMT 10
I dunno if i got this one lying around here, let alone if u've already heard it...but
"...the weather in Melbourne is like the muslims in Iraq: coz it's either Sunni or it's Shi'ite..."
"...that Jillian McKeefe, she does that show 'You are what you eat', and i'm assuming at some point in her life she's eaten a proper miserable b****..."
"...watching you're favourite football team get beaten is like watching another man sleep with ur miss': ya don't want to look at it, but can't help admiring. "oh no, don't wanna watch, but jesus, he's getting alot more out of her than i ever did"..."
"...i once received a phone call from someone. She said, "uh...hi dave, it's me marge." I said, "my name's not dave, it's Lee. U got the wrong number." "So who's number is this?" "It's (mobile number)." "Well, that's the one i wanted." So I said sarcastically, "Well, my mistake. I must be dave. How r u marge?" But she failed to see the sarcasm and said, "Thought it was you, dave."..."
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