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Jokes
Jun 5, 2009 11:00:56 GMT 10
Post by silverfang91 on Jun 5, 2009 11:00:56 GMT 10
What day is today?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
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Jokes
Jun 5, 2009 11:01:41 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jun 5, 2009 11:01:41 GMT 10
Courtroom Chaos
A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a b!tch?"
The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!"
The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a b!tch?"
The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."
The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a b!tch!"
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Jokes
Jun 5, 2009 16:02:26 GMT 10
Post by Whitewolf/The Eternal Light on Jun 5, 2009 16:02:26 GMT 10
-TRUE FACT- I just read every joke in that section from start 2 finish, I'm visually impaired and I'm sick, who says men are stronger then women? wow that really wasnt funny... but its still a true fact
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Jokes
Jun 5, 2009 17:16:04 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jun 5, 2009 17:16:04 GMT 10
-TRUE FACT- I just read every joke in that section from start 2 finish, I'm visually impaired and I'm sick, who says men are stronger then women? wow that really wasnt funny... but its still a true fact We are sorry. We're not insensitive, but were always looking for a laugh. We don't find fun in directly attacking people. We do believe that you don't need to take these jokes here seriously, after all they are jokes
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Jokes
Jun 8, 2009 16:26:44 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jun 8, 2009 16:26:44 GMT 10
Subject: At The Movies
Things you would never know without the movies...
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level of a woman but only to waist level on the man lying next to her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one would ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without any difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speek the language, a German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goddness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a termanal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digits so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has better chances of killing them than 20 men firing at one man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if one of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, reguardless of software or operating systems.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are allone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire citys to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds - unless it is the door to a burning building with a child inside.
You can tell if someone is British because they are wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an 8 year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
If chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even when scuba diving.
You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
People on TV never finish their drinks.
The cheif of police is always black.
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Jokes
Jun 9, 2009 6:52:09 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jun 9, 2009 6:52:09 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
Jun 9, 2009 8:26:38 GMT 10
Post by silverfang91 on Jun 9, 2009 8:26:38 GMT 10
Home Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
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Jokes
Jun 9, 2009 13:05:54 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jun 9, 2009 13:05:54 GMT 10
Huh?
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jun 9, 2009 14:52:38 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jun 9, 2009 14:52:38 GMT 10
Or will they have sex?
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Jokes
Jun 10, 2009 6:07:35 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jun 10, 2009 6:07:35 GMT 10
Okay!
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Jokes
Jun 12, 2009 8:30:52 GMT 10
Post by silverfang91 on Jun 12, 2009 8:30:52 GMT 10
The Confessional Booth
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!
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Jokes
Jun 12, 2009 13:04:58 GMT 10
Post by Missing my friends already. :( on Jun 12, 2009 13:04:58 GMT 10
LOL
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jun 12, 2009 13:24:01 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jun 12, 2009 13:24:01 GMT 10
I made a similar mistake once- I was in an old cathedral, and asked my grandmother why there were toilets there.
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Jokes
Jun 15, 2009 13:24:18 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jun 15, 2009 13:24:18 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
Jun 16, 2009 8:44:19 GMT 10
Post by silverfang91 on Jun 16, 2009 8:44:19 GMT 10
Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
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Jokes
Jun 16, 2009 12:51:09 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jun 16, 2009 12:51:09 GMT 10
Huh?
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2009 9:28:04 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jun 17, 2009 9:28:04 GMT 10
LOL, that could be a blonde joke!!!
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2009 11:25:18 GMT 10
Post by Henna, Hypo, Hippie, Hannah on Jun 17, 2009 11:25:18 GMT 10
Yo, Don't bag us blondes!!! Just because a blonde has never been a prime Minister or anything lol I'll give you an example of a bolnde thats got far today ( Hannah Montanna!, Paris Hilton!!!, Britney Spears!!! and Fergie when she was blode!!!) ok so there not the greatest examples but still!!!!!! We are just like you except with blonde hair and NO freckles and our eyes are normally blue!!!!! We may not be smart but we're a hell of a lot better then you!!!!! Haha go blonde today and then shave later xo
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2009 11:30:23 GMT 10
Post by Henna, Hypo, Hippie, Hannah on Jun 17, 2009 11:30:23 GMT 10
** opps it's be brave and shave, then dye your hair blonde when it grows back **
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2009 13:04:05 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jun 17, 2009 13:04:05 GMT 10
Subject: Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. fall out of tree, not see. NO FEE
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2009 13:14:45 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jun 17, 2009 13:14:45 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2009 13:22:38 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jun 17, 2009 13:22:38 GMT 10
Haha!
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2009 22:37:51 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on Jun 17, 2009 22:37:51 GMT 10
Funny, Lol. Although i'm part Chinese, so my sensible side is mad now.
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Jokes
Jun 18, 2009 8:12:33 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on Jun 18, 2009 8:12:33 GMT 10
Subject: A Mother's Tale
Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their elderly mother for her seventieth birthday. The first said, "I built a big house for Mom."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks:
She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
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Jokes
Jun 18, 2009 8:14:49 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on Jun 18, 2009 8:14:49 GMT 10
LOL!
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jun 18, 2009 8:33:55 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jun 18, 2009 8:33:55 GMT 10
Poor parrot! I wondered where that joke was going.
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Jokes
Jun 18, 2009 13:32:09 GMT 10
Post by silverfang91 on Jun 18, 2009 13:32:09 GMT 10
by the way, where did the joke go?
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2009 8:33:05 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jun 19, 2009 8:33:05 GMT 10
To the expensive god-book-reciting parrot being eaten for dinner.
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2009 8:38:43 GMT 10
Post by silverfang91 on Jun 19, 2009 8:38:43 GMT 10
what is that supposed to mean
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2009 8:41:30 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on Jun 19, 2009 8:41:30 GMT 10
Did u even read the god-damn joke?
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