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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:14:14 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 18:14:14 GMT 10
Subject: Ethics Here are two ethical questions Q1: If you knew a woman who is pregnant, who already had eight kids, three of whom were deaf, two of whom were blind and one of whom was mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you reecomend that she had an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks eight to ten martinis a day. Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps till noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. ---------- --------- -------- ------- ------ ----- ---- --- -- - Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler and by the way... Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven That leads me into a similar, yet more serious, case. Ever heard of Dihydrogen Monoxide?
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:20:00 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 18:20:00 GMT 10
Dihydrogen Monoxide is a colourless, tasteless and odourless compound. It is allowed to roam freely into rivers, lakes and dams. It is a part of cancerous tumours, and can be poisonous. However, it's vital to life on the planet. There isn't any government standards to kerb and control this substance. Should Dihydrogen Monoxide be banned?
? Figure it out yet? Di=2, hydrogen=an element, so Dihydrogen is 2 parts hydrogen. Mono=1 and oxide is oxygen. So Dihydrogen Monoxide is: H2O, water
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:23:41 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 18:23:41 GMT 10
Darren we learnt about chemicals!
Bec those where so good!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:33:06 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 18:33:06 GMT 10
Uh...thought so. I was one of the kids who said "Yes", coz it sounded like asbestos. Once i placed my vote, it was only then i looked at the word closely, and realised what it was
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:35:27 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 18:35:27 GMT 10
I was like yea it sounds bad but then i remember chemistry and i was right its good!!!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:46:54 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 18:46:54 GMT 10
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.
The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and @$$ are interchangeable."
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May 23, 2009 18:49:55 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 18:49:55 GMT 10
LOL! Thats a good one!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:52:24 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 18:52:24 GMT 10
One day there were three surgeons who were arguing loudly over who was the best surgeon. "Oh yeah," the first one yells. "One day there was this guy who came in with all his fingers cut off, I sewed them back onto his hand, and he's playing piano for the queen of England!" "Oh, that's nothing," shouts the second one. "One day this guy came in with his arms and legs cut off, I sewed back onto his body, and now he's on the Olympic track and swimming teams!" "Oh, that isn't jack compared to what I'VE done," bellows the third one. "One day there was this guy who was riding a horse, on cocaine, got hit by a subway train, and all that was left was the guy's body and the horse's @$$, I sewed them together, and now he's the President of The United States!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:57:58 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 18:57:58 GMT 10
Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that, since Hell is full, Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.
Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"
The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so."
The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.
"Very well," says the Devil. "Monica, you may go."
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May 23, 2009 19:00:41 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 19:00:41 GMT 10
LOL! They are so funny!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:06:15 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:06:15 GMT 10
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:08:27 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 19:08:27 GMT 10
LOL! U find the best jokes!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:11:37 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 19:11:37 GMT 10
Twilight has nothing to do with Stakes and Garlic unless...Emmett throws garlic and Jasper and Jasper chases Emmett around with a stake!!!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:17:53 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:17:53 GMT 10
i'm still looking...
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:23:46 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:23:46 GMT 10
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the jackass who pushed me in."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:24:53 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:24:53 GMT 10
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:25:53 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:25:53 GMT 10
Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some R&R. So Friday afternoon he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.
"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened."
So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:31:48 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:31:48 GMT 10
A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'S***, missed'.
The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologized and the game continued.
As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "S***, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"
Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "S***, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.
Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "S***, missed!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:35:20 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:35:20 GMT 10
HALLMARK CARDS THAT YOU'LL NEVER SEE...
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one, of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me
Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?
You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:47:26 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:47:26 GMT 10
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted.
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:53:08 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:53:08 GMT 10
A man lives with his parents his whole life. He doesn't drink, smoke, or do anything of that nature. Most importantly, though, he doesn't swear.
After both of his parents have died, when he's in his late fifties, he becomes lonely. He decides to go to the pet store, and buy a friend to talk to. He asks for the most talkative parrot that they have. They bring him a small, fluffy blue parrot, and he takes it home.
Excitedly, he says, "hello, new friend, what would you like me to call you". The parrot doesn't reply. The man, thinking that the parrot must be unable to hear him, repeats the sentence a bit louder. The parrot replies with "I heard you the first time, A**hole".
Appalled, the man solemnly says "we don't use that kind of language in this house". Upon hearing this, the parrot starts screaming every profanity he's ever heard, even in other languages. The man gets terribly upset, and chases the parrot into a closet. Twenty minutes later, he's still swearing like a sailor.
So, he puts the parrot into a kitchen cabinet, and it does no good. Finally, he decides that a few minutes in the freezer will scare the parrot into stopping. He puts the parrot into the freezer, and after about a minute, the swearing comes to a stop.
Scared that he must've killed the parrot, he throws the freezer door open. The parrot hops out, and immediately cuddles up against the man, and says "I've learned my lesson, I'm sorry".
The man says "what caused you to stop using such horrible language?". The parrot shakes a little bit, and says "I saw what you did to the chicken".
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:56:00 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:56:00 GMT 10
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:56:51 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on May 23, 2009 19:56:51 GMT 10
Subject: A little office prayer (I need it!)
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisodm to hide the bodies of thoes people I had to kil today because they annoyed me.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the @$$ that I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Friday
And help me remember... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it only takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my fingers and tell them to eff off.
Amen
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 19:59:46 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 19:59:46 GMT 10
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 20:12:21 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 20:12:21 GMT 10
LOL! That is so funny!!!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 20:35:38 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 20:35:38 GMT 10
3 men die. They in to heaven and are waiting to be checked into heaven. God asks the first man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The first man says 3, so god gives him a Nissan Micra to drive in heaven. God asks the second man, he says 1 time, so he gives him a Mitsubishi Lancer. Then he asks the third man, who says he's been 100% faithful, so god gives him a Mercedes Benz SLK.
A week later, the first 2 men see the man with the Mercedes crying, they ask him what's wrong. He says, "I just passed my wife, and she's on a minibike."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 20:37:22 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 20:37:22 GMT 10
I love that one!
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Jokes
May 24, 2009 11:13:46 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 24, 2009 11:13:46 GMT 10
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in Liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew Out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph Was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the Apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer Lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. P.S. Did you know it's wrong for the woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in The Bible: "Hebrews."
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Jokes
May 24, 2009 11:20:49 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 24, 2009 11:20:49 GMT 10
Ready For Kids?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, We suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in The wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may Use roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all Over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or Kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them With you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them In sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a Small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend From the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to Insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) Into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds Of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8PM begin to waltz and hum With the bag until 9PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever Heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4AM. Set alarm for 5AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food Store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be Directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they Can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and Child's' table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize To them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy This experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 25, 2009 13:46:48 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 25, 2009 13:46:48 GMT 10
A group of engineering students were discussing what sort of engineer might have designed the human body. The first student said, "It must have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the moving parts!" "No way" said the second, "It must have been an electrical engineer. Look at all the nerves." "Oh honestly guys" said the third, "its obvious that it was a civil engineer. I mean, what other engineer would run a sewerage pipeline through the recreational area?"
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