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Jokes
May 22, 2009 21:02:23 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 22, 2009 21:02:23 GMT 10
Subject: Un joke or une joke? A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. For instance, "house" in French, is feminine (une maison) while "pencil" is masculine (un crayon). One student then asked her what gender the word computer (ordinateur) was. She didn't know, so she decided to split the class into to, for fun, so that they could argue for it. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should be of the feminine gender (une ordinateur), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic and even then only partially. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however concluded that computers should be masculine (un ordinateur), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. where do you find this stuff
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Jokes
May 22, 2009 21:36:24 GMT 10
Post by thewhiteviolin on May 22, 2009 21:36:24 GMT 10
i only know lame jokes
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Jokes
May 22, 2009 21:43:48 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 22, 2009 21:43:48 GMT 10
Well, you can find some.
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:37:29 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 11:37:29 GMT 10
LEEROY A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:38:06 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 11:38:06 GMT 10
BLIND GUY TELLING BLONDE JOKES A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:39:36 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 11:39:36 GMT 10
BLONDE ON THE AIRPLANE A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:40:54 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 11:40:54 GMT 10
ACCIDENT A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:42:41 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 11:42:41 GMT 10
BLONDE KIDNAPPING A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:43:57 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 11:43:57 GMT 10
LOL! Thats a gud one!
They are all so funny!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:46:44 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 11:46:44 GMT 10
COLLEGE FINALS At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:52:23 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 11:52:23 GMT 10
LOL!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:52:25 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 11:52:25 GMT 10
AIRCRAFT TROUBLE Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 11:53:25 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 11:53:25 GMT 10
LOL! No they wont!!!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 12:37:43 GMT 10
Post by thewhiteviolin on May 23, 2009 12:37:43 GMT 10
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”
hahahahaha
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 12:45:35 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 12:45:35 GMT 10
Some sat-nav's you can record your own voice. Me wife was like, "let's do mine," I was like, "no way, that's the last thing i need it saying, "it was that last left"."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:11:26 GMT 10
Post by thewhiteviolin on May 23, 2009 13:11:26 GMT 10
uh....?
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:16:57 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 13:16:57 GMT 10
Ok, i know we don't get it. That's why women read maps and men ask for directions. (or is it the other way around? Anyway, i in against it coz i prefer a mar over directions or satnavs)
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:29:21 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 13:29:21 GMT 10
Firemen A blonde calls the fire department and says, "Help! Help! My house is on fire."
The Fireman says, "OK, calm down. Tell me how to get to your house."
"Duh, in your big red truck!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:30:00 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 13:30:00 GMT 10
Okay...
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:38:41 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 13:38:41 GMT 10
Some more blonde jokes (i have to stop this soon)
Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra? A: Spot.
Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree? A: Wave to her!
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby? A: I hope it's mine.
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? A: Because they go answer the door.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: You knock on the door.
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:48:41 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 13:48:41 GMT 10
Real Things Said In Court These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:53:51 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 13:53:51 GMT 10
Signs You've Finally Grown Up 25 Signs That Prove - "You've Grown Up"
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can''t smoke any of them.
2. Fooling around in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. Now you're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 13:56:19 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 13:56:19 GMT 10
Remove the Curse An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 14:08:46 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 14:08:46 GMT 10
LOL! Those are funny!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 14:10:08 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 14:10:08 GMT 10
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of **** who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of **** who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat lady in the kitchen."
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 14:10:41 GMT 10
Post by HandOfDarkness444/The Blade on May 23, 2009 14:10:41 GMT 10
I've been looking for this one
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 14:35:18 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 14:35:18 GMT 10
Those are funny!
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 15:12:44 GMT 10
Post by Whisper My Fairytale on May 23, 2009 15:12:44 GMT 10
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
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Pretzel
The Rumor
Imouto of HandOfDarkness444
Posts: 433
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 15:44:05 GMT 10
Post by Pretzel on May 23, 2009 15:44:05 GMT 10
eewwww!! i get that one!! really? Coz i just thought it was funny. Coz they say it gets men aroused, and i disagree ummm... i dont think you get it fully yourself... i believe bollocks is a british term for something girls dont have. Its a very suggestive joke. And if u made it up, well good on you but it can have that particular meaning...
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Jokes
May 23, 2009 18:05:59 GMT 10
Post by The Fear/Rukia on May 23, 2009 18:05:59 GMT 10
Subject: Ethics
Here are two ethical questions
Q1: If you knew a woman who is pregnant, who already had eight kids, three of whom were deaf, two of whom were blind and one of whom was mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you reecomend that she had an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks eight to ten martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps till noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
---------- --------- -------- ------- ------ ----- ---- --- -- -
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
and by the way... Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven
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